tay-time=okay-time

I have been having a rough time this past week. I haven't been sad or even gloomy, I have just been going with the flow. Last night I felt so sad for some reason and when my friend asked me why I was sad, I couldn't tell her because I just didn't know!
I went home to an empty house. Upon getting home I realized that besides sleeping, this was the first time since I have moved out that I had been completely PHYSICALLY alone.
I hated it.
I just went and laid down and hated that I was hating RELAXING! I called my mommy at 10:45 PM and, of course, she was asleep. We had a casual conversation for about 10 minutes and I just started to cry out of no where and I said "I feel like you guys (my family) don't need me anymore."
Was that true?
To some degree it was but for the most part it was me saying that I feel alone both PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY.
I have this weird thing where I have always needed to feel NEEDED. I know that I do it because one of my favorite Junior High teachers pointed it out within the first semester of my 7th grade year. Beyond feeling needed, for some reason I am driven to always be the best.
-Be the best Son, Taylor.
-Be the best Brother, Taylor.
-Be the best Friend, Taylor.
-Be the best Singer, Taylor.
-Be the best Dancer, Taylor.
-Be the best Actor, Taylor.
-Be the best Employee, Taylor.
-Be the best Student, Taylor.
-Be the best Role Model, Taylor.
-Be the best TAYLOR, Taylor.
REALLY! I am an over-achiever to the extreme and I put way too much on my plate.

slow down.

In this viscous cycle of trying to always be the best for everyone and at everything I have dropped all the roles I have for that day or two of trying to best another. Catch 22? I think so.
My Mom really called me out on this. I never realized how bad I was at "Besting" everyone and everything. She didn't put me down or tell me that I am not the best but rather, (like a good mother should do) tell me I have done amazing things and I am able to be the BEST at all those things but it's all about balance. So this whole time while I have been trying to be the best EVERYTHING I have been the worst TAYLOR.
this makes me sad.
I have always been good with words and structuring stories. When I write a blog, often it is just lip service for the reader. I can say how much this certain blog is going to change my life but often I forget about it and go on with my life. This time I am changing.
-No more overwhelming myself.
-No more letting people I love down.
And most importantly,
-No more "Besting" Taylor.

I need to be okay with being alone and trusting myself to have control and to live, because if I don't I am going to "self-destruct." (like my mom always says)
till next time.

-tay

hustle and bustle

Sometimes in life we get so caught up in all of the "hustle and bustle" of the world.
I am probably the number one offender of this.
I get so caught up in LIFE that I sometimes forget that I have one.
I am like a zombie, going through life on "auto-pilot."
I forget about family, friends, school, and even me sometimes.
My goal is to not get caught up in all that stuff.
Spend more time with my family.
Tell them I love them more often than once a week.
Show my friends how much I love and appreciate them.
Make school a HEALTHY priority.
Make me a priority.
till next time
-tay