Poetry..

It's hard.. It really is. To think about what I had and that now it is lost, but did I really loose you?
That has been on my mind for a while now.
For those of you who don't know I lost my grandma to the terrible disease, cancer, on January 31, 2007. She was not only my grandma but she was my best friend, my 2nd mom, my home away from home, and my everything.
Her name was Sandra Kae Marquart, but I simply called her Grandma. Her cooking was amazing, her hands always soft, and her heart and home always open and warm.
She was diagnosed with cancer around the beginning of summer in 2006. As the months progressed she became weaker, lost her hair, lost her memory, and on my 14 birthday; lost her battle with cancer. On MY day she left me... is that selfish of me to say? For 3 years now I have had to stay happy on my birthday despite the fact that all I really ever want to do is hide out in my room and cry. I share the one day of the year that should be all about me with the one person in the world I wish I could see. What is wrong with me? Every year I look at the same amazingly cool Spider man cake my mom always gets for me. Every year another candle added, but the wish stays the same. To hold her in my arms just one more time. I get so angry that she left this Earth on my day, but then I remember.. It isn't that I lost her on my birthday. I gained her memory every second of my birthday. I feel her more in that 24 hours than any other day of the year. She walks with me, talks to me, sings with me and laughs at me and the crazy things I do. Ya the tears won't every completely go away after I blow out my candles.. But I still can't wait for that one day of the year when she is with me stronger than ever and even more so, the day when I can walk next to her and be at complete peace with myself and the entire world.
I have struggled for a long time to understand why God took her away from me when I needed her most in life. I have selfishly held on to her memory and have not been able to move on in my own life. Have I found the healthy balance between moving on in my own life but yet still keeping her memory alive in my life as well?
Around this time of the year I especially think about her often. Very seldom do I cry anymore. That usually only happens on my birthday and Christmas.
I miss her.
I write a blog as you can tell but I also write Poetry. (Well try to at least) This is a Poem I wrote about a month after my grandma passed and I really have never shared it publicly. I am ready to now.


Guardian Angel


So many questions that I have for you,
Like why did you have to leave so soon?
You were a Friend, a Grandma, and a Mom,
It's so hard to believe that now you are gone.
You were 65 and still going strong,
But four months later something went so very wrong.
You got cancer and became deathly ill,
And through out the months you began to be still.
As you got sicker our Love became stronger,
It kills me inside that you didn't stay longer.
Birthdays, Christmas and Halloween,
So many great memories that we have all seen.
You inspired me to do what I Love,
And I know you're watching from above.
You were beautiful inside and out,
You taught me what life is all about.
Cherish your loved ones, no matter what they do,
Because nothing can change how much the Love you.
It was my birthday, what a joyous day,
But God had different plans and wouldn't let you stay.
So now you're in heaven what a wonderful thing,
To see God and Jesus, and hear Angels sing.
People have come and people have went,
But you were our angel that God had sent.
To keep the family together through thick and thin,
You were the reason we never gave in.
You were a fighter; and fought till the end,
Now a message of love we would all like to send.
It's time to move on and stop all the crying,
Because we know you in heaven and finally flying.
So the end of this poem comes a message of love,
We're never alone you're always watching from above.

Written By: Taylor Knuth

Till next time everyone.
-TK

Let the Sunshine In

My creative drive has been down lately! And darnit I have not been able to think of anything to release my daily struggles with BUT writing/blogging! I know it sounds odd but as my fingers move across my laptop from homerow to the next letter I release all my fears, all my stupid insecurities, all my pain, and most importantly; all my worries. The constant bluggering of the World telling me I am not good enough is gone and it is just me, my mind, and my laptop busy at writing down my feelings.
I like to think of topics before hand for my Blog. I'll ask a few close friends, get their advise and go from there but once I am actually sitting down typing..
WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL COME OUT OF MY MIND!
Today I had the chance to see a Broadway hit Hair, The American Tribal Love-Rock Musical. Yes, the rumors ARE true. There is full frontal nudity in the Act I Finale. And YES! I know! Shame on me! I went on a Sunday.
This show was more than nudity, drugs, sex, war, or even hippies. It was simply beautiful. Like I can't use any other word.
BEAUTIFUL
Wow. You know I see A LOT of shows, and only a few ever really make an impression on my life. This one did! It taught me a really big lesson that I have been working on solidifying.
Life is beautiful, appreciate the blessings in life; no matter how small.
Isn't that true? In the directors notes I was really impressed with what he said "Hair isn't really about hippies, nudity, drugs or sex. It's about finding one's place. Eliminating extremes and discarding labels so that maybe, just maybe. It's possible to have a conversation that leads to understanding and change."
-Jerry Rapier
Now let us take this out of the context of this show and apply it to life. Isn't THAT true? This show and this exact statement couldn't have come at a more critical point in my life then now. When I have been trying every day to find beauty and joy in life!
I had a really good adult conversation with a close friend recently. In this conversation we cried and laughed and threw everyting out on the table and we were completely vulnerable to eachother and that made me appreciate her. I learn from another friend everyday the importance of staying strong and being a pilar of light and love no matter what anyone says or does and that makes me apprecaite him every single moment of my life. I love dearly a friend that works harder than anyone when she wants something. Who suffers through 12 hour days just to graduate. Who has the courage and strength no one can match and I love her dearly and that makes me appreciate her. I look at another friend and I see the world is sending him through a maze of trials and he has lost the spirit I once loved about him. But that makes me pray harder and harder for him and I send him MY love and MY light every day but that is why I appreciate him.
Today in church we were learning about having complete faith and listening to the prophet even when what he asks of us is hard. Read Kings 19:9-13.
"Be Strong, and of good courage. Be not afraid, stand firm in the faith. For the Lord will be with us, where ever we go. Be one, Be his, Be strong."
till next time,
-TK

PureBliss:)

So I have been having the summer of my life, really. I haven't really done anything like adventure wise or even exciting. I just really have been relaxing, working, hanging out, and really trying to find myself and what makes me happy and what doesn't. I have learned a lot about myself in the days since junior years end.
such as:
- I do not need to be constantly running to feel accomplished, not doing a summer show is OKAY!
- I just love my friends. They all are realiable, comforting, trustworthy, and honest.
- Family is my rock. They keep me grounded, especially my mom.
- Summer time is "PureBliss"
- I enjoy having a job and working. Not for the money but to just get out of the house, away from the troubles of family and friends and to relieve stress.
- Religion is what I was missing in my life<3
- Blogging is Love, Life and Passion all mixed together:)
- And as cheesy as this sounds I have learned above all else; Is just to love, and be loved in return.
Really. People can have all the money or women or whatever your guilty pleasure is, but if you don't have some form of love; weather it be the simple love of siblings, or the amazing pure love of religion, or the passionate love of soul mates. Love is love and I really hope and pray that every human being on this Earth will experience love in their lifetime. If you're reading this I challenge you to write down what you love or who you love. But even more important, write down who you know loves you. Because you cannot forget that the second part of that life lesson; is to be loved in return. You must have both in my opinion to feel and know what I am talking about.
I just have been so greatful for the many blessing I have been given and all the opportunities I have in my life to share my light and to share other peoples light.
Till next time,
-TK

YASE!!!

So this past week I spent the most amazing, influential, awesome 5 days with some of the most AMAZING people I will ever meet in my life! Young Ambassadors and all the campers!
The week started out kind of "rough" so to speak. I went to YASE knowing absolutly no body and didn't have the best audition because, yet again, I was lacking confidence! To be honest I had no idea what I was getting myself into.. If any of you know me you know that I hace been an "inactive member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" Well needless to say that the amazing spirit and the amazing people that I felt and met this past week have changed my life for good.
This whole experience was a whirl wind of emotion, physical activity, crazy fun, and girls:) haha
My counselors' name was Scott, if you don't know Scott he is just absolutly AMAZING! Spiritually he can lift up a whole camp, and with his voice he can belt like no other! I just love this man! If it weren't for Scott I would have been lost both physically and spiritually this whole week. Every night I looked forward to the "Devo" he gave and the nights we didn't get one just weren't the same! He really has been a great influence in my life. Thank you!
Leslie! Oh my goodness Leslie! I just love her too! Tuesday night I sang my solo in the showcase and I came out of it feeling a little down that I didn't do as good as I would have liked! So I walked outside and she just looked and me and said the nicest things and I was lifted up so high! That whole week "lolipop Leslie" guided me through the crazy schedule and was such an amazing FRIEND to me. Not only is she just absolutly GORGEOUS she is kind and smart and funny:)
I had an amazing experience with one of the girl campers down there. NO! I am not talking about "I got her number" or "She is my eternal lover" but like this girl I got to talking to one night and pretty soon we both had our life stories layed out on the table and I found out that my life may suck at times but there are plenty of people just like me. She knows who she is if she is reading this. Thank you. You are a beautiful, talented girl that will change the world one day just like you changed me.
Thank you to Heather, Madi, Hannah, Chandler, Quitin, Dallen, Brenner, Calleb, Alana, Rick, Alan, Randy Boothe, Todd, Summarisa, DASHA, Abe, Taylor, Megan and all the other amazing friends I met! I just love you all. I owe you all so much for changing my attitude about life and the church.
For any of you who don't know what YASE is; look into it. Young Ambassadors Singing Entertainers.
Thank you.