I just wanna be loved. I want to be the guy some great girl goes to for everything. I have amazing friends.
Austin Hull
Kelcee Toyn
Sean Bishop
Shelby Andersen
and so many more.
Thoughts are spewing out right now. I love my friends. They help get me through everything. They are helping me get through this.
I love my religion. I love my family.
I believe 12934% in my religion. I honestly do. I have had experiences that make me cry just thinking about them. How come there are people out there who want nothing more than to destroy my religion?
WARNING>> Sensitive subject about to be talked about.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints and I do NOT think that being gay is a trial.
This is my blog and therefor I will say what I want. If you don't like it; stop reading. Here's my story.
About eight months ago I was extremely "active" (I hate that word in context with the church)in my church. I was on the road to getting a temple recommend and I truly wanted to serve a full-time LDS mission.
Just to make clear with everyone reading I am not gay. I am naive and a bit socially awkward in certain situations but I truly am a very intellectual human being. One night I came home after talking about this socially sensitive subject with a close friend. I think this moment was the first time I look at this subject seriously. I mean my best friend from High School came out and I interacted with a couple "gays" in classes, but never really did I care really.
My life is theatre in all its' entirety. Theatre, as most of us know, is full of all types of people but is known for having the majority of these people being gay. Up until eight months ago this fact really hadn't hit me in the face.
Well it did on this night. My world of theatre and my life in my religion didn't agree with each other. How come?
I went up to my bedroom at home and I just sat on my floor and cried. Soon this crying turned into a full on anxiety attack and I physically stopped breathing. I called my beautiful mother and she took me to the doctors, where I received oxygen and some anxiety medication. My oldest sister Sam asked me what is wrong and I finally just said "I don't see how a God who is so loving is going to send people to hell for being gay."
REMEMBER>> You are free to stop reading at any time..
My sister Sam then brought up my Grandma Sandy who had passed away. She asked if I thought my grandma would think the same as I did and I knew she wouldn't. One thing I always remembered, in fact, was that she accepted everyone. And so in that moment I made a decision to always accept and love everyone.
It started to become harder and harder to attend church. I felt (and still kinda do) jaded and hurt being rejected from Young Ambassadors, MDT, Theatre Major, and the University entirely at BYU. Soon I decided to not go on a mission and instead focus entirely on school.
Here I am now. I went to church last Sunday for the first time since that day. I felt so much peace and love. I plan on auditioning for YA again. I plan on reevaluating a Mission when I feel I am READY and WANTING to go again... This is my time to focus on me and me alone. Doing the things that make me happy, being with the friends that make me happy and continuing to accept and love everyone who comes around WHILE making the amazing church I belong to a priority. I know I can do this.
I do not claim to know everything in my religion, but I do know that I can find balance. One day my two worlds can live in Harmony.. I do have faith in that. I have faith that I will find the woman of my dreams. I have faith in my family. I have faith in my friends. But most importantly, I have faith in me.
Step one. tell myself I am a totally lovable person EVERY Day.
Step two. Put myself out there and find opportunities to find someone. They will come along.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
tay-time=okay-time
I have been having a rough time this past week. I haven't been sad or even gloomy, I have just been going with the flow. Last night I felt so sad for some reason and when my friend asked me why I was sad, I couldn't tell her because I just didn't know!
I went home to an empty house. Upon getting home I realized that besides sleeping, this was the first time since I have moved out that I had been completely PHYSICALLY alone.
I hated it.
I just went and laid down and hated that I was hating RELAXING! I called my mommy at 10:45 PM and, of course, she was asleep. We had a casual conversation for about 10 minutes and I just started to cry out of no where and I said "I feel like you guys (my family) don't need me anymore."
Was that true?
To some degree it was but for the most part it was me saying that I feel alone both PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY.
I have this weird thing where I have always needed to feel NEEDED. I know that I do it because one of my favorite Junior High teachers pointed it out within the first semester of my 7th grade year. Beyond feeling needed, for some reason I am driven to always be the best.
-Be the best Son, Taylor.
-Be the best Brother, Taylor.
-Be the best Friend, Taylor.
-Be the best Singer, Taylor.
-Be the best Dancer, Taylor.
-Be the best Actor, Taylor.
-Be the best Employee, Taylor.
-Be the best Student, Taylor.
-Be the best Role Model, Taylor.
-Be the best TAYLOR, Taylor.
REALLY! I am an over-achiever to the extreme and I put way too much on my plate.
slow down.
In this viscous cycle of trying to always be the best for everyone and at everything I have dropped all the roles I have for that day or two of trying to best another. Catch 22? I think so.
My Mom really called me out on this. I never realized how bad I was at "Besting" everyone and everything. She didn't put me down or tell me that I am not the best but rather, (like a good mother should do) tell me I have done amazing things and I am able to be the BEST at all those things but it's all about balance. So this whole time while I have been trying to be the best EVERYTHING I have been the worst TAYLOR.
this makes me sad.
I have always been good with words and structuring stories. When I write a blog, often it is just lip service for the reader. I can say how much this certain blog is going to change my life but often I forget about it and go on with my life. This time I am changing.
-No more overwhelming myself.
-No more letting people I love down.
And most importantly,
-No more "Besting" Taylor.
I need to be okay with being alone and trusting myself to have control and to live, because if I don't I am going to "self-destruct." (like my mom always says)
till next time.
-tay
I went home to an empty house. Upon getting home I realized that besides sleeping, this was the first time since I have moved out that I had been completely PHYSICALLY alone.
I hated it.
I just went and laid down and hated that I was hating RELAXING! I called my mommy at 10:45 PM and, of course, she was asleep. We had a casual conversation for about 10 minutes and I just started to cry out of no where and I said "I feel like you guys (my family) don't need me anymore."
Was that true?
To some degree it was but for the most part it was me saying that I feel alone both PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY.
I have this weird thing where I have always needed to feel NEEDED. I know that I do it because one of my favorite Junior High teachers pointed it out within the first semester of my 7th grade year. Beyond feeling needed, for some reason I am driven to always be the best.
-Be the best Son, Taylor.
-Be the best Brother, Taylor.
-Be the best Friend, Taylor.
-Be the best Singer, Taylor.
-Be the best Dancer, Taylor.
-Be the best Actor, Taylor.
-Be the best Employee, Taylor.
-Be the best Student, Taylor.
-Be the best Role Model, Taylor.
-Be the best TAYLOR, Taylor.
REALLY! I am an over-achiever to the extreme and I put way too much on my plate.
slow down.
In this viscous cycle of trying to always be the best for everyone and at everything I have dropped all the roles I have for that day or two of trying to best another. Catch 22? I think so.
My Mom really called me out on this. I never realized how bad I was at "Besting" everyone and everything. She didn't put me down or tell me that I am not the best but rather, (like a good mother should do) tell me I have done amazing things and I am able to be the BEST at all those things but it's all about balance. So this whole time while I have been trying to be the best EVERYTHING I have been the worst TAYLOR.
this makes me sad.
I have always been good with words and structuring stories. When I write a blog, often it is just lip service for the reader. I can say how much this certain blog is going to change my life but often I forget about it and go on with my life. This time I am changing.
-No more overwhelming myself.
-No more letting people I love down.
And most importantly,
-No more "Besting" Taylor.
I need to be okay with being alone and trusting myself to have control and to live, because if I don't I am going to "self-destruct." (like my mom always says)
till next time.
-tay
Saturday, October 1, 2011
hustle and bustle
Sometimes in life we get so caught up in all of the "hustle and bustle" of the world.
I am probably the number one offender of this.
I get so caught up in LIFE that I sometimes forget that I have one.
I am like a zombie, going through life on "auto-pilot."
I forget about family, friends, school, and even me sometimes.
My goal is to not get caught up in all that stuff.
Spend more time with my family.
Tell them I love them more often than once a week.
Show my friends how much I love and appreciate them.
Make school a HEALTHY priority.
Make me a priority.
till next time
-tay
I am probably the number one offender of this.
I get so caught up in LIFE that I sometimes forget that I have one.
I am like a zombie, going through life on "auto-pilot."
I forget about family, friends, school, and even me sometimes.
My goal is to not get caught up in all that stuff.
Spend more time with my family.
Tell them I love them more often than once a week.
Show my friends how much I love and appreciate them.
Make school a HEALTHY priority.
Make me a priority.
till next time
-tay
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
It's okay
Sometimes life just sucks, ya know.
Lately I have wanted to feel loved. Loved in more than just a casual friend.
It's okay to feel this way especially when I am at an age where finding a woman to love and to love me is so important.
I am driven by emotions probably, 98% of the time. I am stubborn and rude but most of the time, I am understanding and kind. The person I choose to love needs to love me 100% of the times regardless of the faults I posses.
It's okay to feel ugly some days.
It's okay to want someone to love some days.
It's okay to be down some days.
It's okay to want to sleep all day, some days.
It's okay to be blue some days.
But what is not okay is when you let those "some days" turn into "every days."
Remember the friends you have, and the light and love you bring to those friends.
Don't loose who you are because of the emotion choosing to rule your day.
Be sad sometimes. IT'S OKAY!
But never loose who you are. I constantly have to remind myself
"people DO love me."
I love you.
till next time
-tay
Lately I have wanted to feel loved. Loved in more than just a casual friend.
It's okay to feel this way especially when I am at an age where finding a woman to love and to love me is so important.
I am driven by emotions probably, 98% of the time. I am stubborn and rude but most of the time, I am understanding and kind. The person I choose to love needs to love me 100% of the times regardless of the faults I posses.
It's okay to feel ugly some days.
It's okay to want someone to love some days.
It's okay to be down some days.
It's okay to want to sleep all day, some days.
It's okay to be blue some days.
But what is not okay is when you let those "some days" turn into "every days."
Remember the friends you have, and the light and love you bring to those friends.
Don't loose who you are because of the emotion choosing to rule your day.
Be sad sometimes. IT'S OKAY!
But never loose who you are. I constantly have to remind myself
"people DO love me."
I love you.
till next time
-tay
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Be true to who you are
Yesterday in Voice and Movement Tracy asked us all "Why do you want to be an actor?"
Sitting here in the Union Building on campus listening to Sean Bishop sing a song I have never heard before I finally realize why I want to "be an actor."
It's who I am.
It's what I breathe every day.
It's how I view the World through my eyes.
It's what I hear and smell and feel as I go through the motions of my day.
I am being true to who I am.
When I try and I "FAIL" ...
What is failing?
It is just another opportunity to learn.
Learn How to be true to who I am.
Thank you to all the amazing and talented people I get to see and hear and laugh with every day.
I have a great family, great friends and more importantly; I am true to who I am.
An Actor, A Singer, A Son, A Friend, A Brother, A Grandson, A Student, and of course, Me:)
till next time preform
-tay
Sitting here in the Union Building on campus listening to Sean Bishop sing a song I have never heard before I finally realize why I want to "be an actor."
It's who I am.
It's what I breathe every day.
It's how I view the World through my eyes.
It's what I hear and smell and feel as I go through the motions of my day.
I am being true to who I am.
When I try and I "FAIL" ...
What is failing?
It is just another opportunity to learn.
Learn How to be true to who I am.
Thank you to all the amazing and talented people I get to see and hear and laugh with every day.
I have a great family, great friends and more importantly; I am true to who I am.
An Actor, A Singer, A Son, A Friend, A Brother, A Grandson, A Student, and of course, Me:)
till next time preform
-tay
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
"Soldier up!"
I have been having a rough time with some things lately and I went seeking advice from a wise. wise. man.
We talked for a good 25 minutes and a lot of great advice was given.
Of all the advice he gave, the advice that is lingering in my head to this day is the statement he made to me when I responded "but, it's so hard."
He merely smiled and said in more words or less "You just have to soldier up, Taylor."
WOW.
WOW.
What a freaking baby I have been! The problems with my family, the problems with school, and work. YES! They suck but eventually things will clear up!
Things are GOING to get hard. Things are even going to get FREAKING HARD! And you know what, things might just get to the point where all you can do it sit in your room with the lights off and cry.
but things are GOING to get better
you just gotta "soldier up!"
I'm sorry to anybody, especially family, who might have been hurt by the words in my last post. Sometimes sadness, anger, and frustration get the best of the best of us.
I need to work on keeping those emotions in check.
I am so grateful for my amazing mother, grandma, father, and sisters.
For the first time in a long time I am rediscovering my passion for music and singing.
I have a gift, and I am going to share it till the day that I die.
till next time
-tay
We talked for a good 25 minutes and a lot of great advice was given.
Of all the advice he gave, the advice that is lingering in my head to this day is the statement he made to me when I responded "but, it's so hard."
He merely smiled and said in more words or less "You just have to soldier up, Taylor."
WOW.
WOW.
What a freaking baby I have been! The problems with my family, the problems with school, and work. YES! They suck but eventually things will clear up!
Things are GOING to get hard. Things are even going to get FREAKING HARD! And you know what, things might just get to the point where all you can do it sit in your room with the lights off and cry.
but things are GOING to get better
you just gotta "soldier up!"
I'm sorry to anybody, especially family, who might have been hurt by the words in my last post. Sometimes sadness, anger, and frustration get the best of the best of us.
I need to work on keeping those emotions in check.
I am so grateful for my amazing mother, grandma, father, and sisters.
For the first time in a long time I am rediscovering my passion for music and singing.
I have a gift, and I am going to share it till the day that I die.
till next time
-tay
Thursday, September 8, 2011
I couldn't Be Happier
Because happy is what happens.. when all your dreams come true..
I love that song. For those of you who don't know it's from the All-American Musical "Wicked."
This show was my very first "dip" in the pool of Broadway. While some people discredit "Wicked," I truly appreciate this musical and one of the messages it sends is ringing proud in my life. "Happy is what happens, when your dreams come true"
Right?
In context with the show; it (in my opinion) is total sarcasm.
In context with my life; it (in my opinion) is total sarcasm..
I keep telling myself I am happy, and I have so much to be happy for, but there is just something that is bringing me down the past couple days. Keep Moving Forward.
-As a Freshman at Weber State University, one of the best (if not THE best) Theatre programs in Utah, I got cast in Tracy Callahan's production of -Shakespeare's Classic; Romeo and Juliet. so HONORED!
-I am honored to have an AMAZING voice teacher, Jim Christian.
-I am being taught how to sew and draw by Jean L. England and Catherine Zublin, some of the most amazing designers and artists in costume I have EVER met!
-Financially, for the first time in my life, I am NOT stressed and am doing quite well.
-I have an amazing friend base and I am making friends that I am growing to love and trust (Shelby, Sean, Lauren, and Dallas just to name a few.)
Is it my lack of Family that I feel so down lately?
I
THINK
Y.E.S.
It makes me sad that I can't connect with my little sister, Kenzie, anymore.
It makes me sad that Cassie seems a stranger to me now.
It makes me sad that Samantha and I used to talk about everything and now we only talk about car deals and work.
It makes me sad that my grandma is at home alone sometimes and I want to be there.
It makes me sad that I can't be support for my Dad.
It makes me sad that I don't understand my Mom anymore and she doesn't understand me.. disconnected.
It makes me sad that, as a family, we can't just gather around a couch and pop in a movie.
but most of all;
It makes me sad that I feel U.N.E.E.D.E.D.
I have this weird quality that I have had since Junior High and it stems from performing and Theatre especially. I have to feel like someone needs me! I constantly seek approval from every person I come in contact with and I desire to be liked by all.
With my family, I feel, we are all headed on paths that are different. Sam is married, to a GREAT guy, don't get me wrong. But she is starting her OWN family. Cassie is working and going to school and has a missionary that I know she loves and wants to marry. But she is starting her OWN family. Kenzie is dancing and working and trying to remain a good student. But one day she is going to start her OWN family. I am going to school and pursuing my passion. But one day I am going to start my OWN family.
OWN
OWN
OWN
OWN
OOOOOWWWWWWNNNNN
We shared EVERYTHING growing up. From rooms to bathrooms, from couches to cars. Now we all are starting out OWN paths.
I need to be okay with that.
I need to be okay with that.
Starting something of your own is normal...
trust me I Googled it.
I just need to be okay with that.
What I am not okay with is missing my family.
That's what I need to work on.
Keep Moving Forward.
till next time
-tay
I love that song. For those of you who don't know it's from the All-American Musical "Wicked."
This show was my very first "dip" in the pool of Broadway. While some people discredit "Wicked," I truly appreciate this musical and one of the messages it sends is ringing proud in my life. "Happy is what happens, when your dreams come true"
Right?
In context with the show; it (in my opinion) is total sarcasm.
In context with my life; it (in my opinion) is total sarcasm..
I keep telling myself I am happy, and I have so much to be happy for, but there is just something that is bringing me down the past couple days. Keep Moving Forward.
-As a Freshman at Weber State University, one of the best (if not THE best) Theatre programs in Utah, I got cast in Tracy Callahan's production of -Shakespeare's Classic; Romeo and Juliet. so HONORED!
-I am honored to have an AMAZING voice teacher, Jim Christian.
-I am being taught how to sew and draw by Jean L. England and Catherine Zublin, some of the most amazing designers and artists in costume I have EVER met!
-Financially, for the first time in my life, I am NOT stressed and am doing quite well.
-I have an amazing friend base and I am making friends that I am growing to love and trust (Shelby, Sean, Lauren, and Dallas just to name a few.)
Is it my lack of Family that I feel so down lately?
I
THINK
Y.E.S.
It makes me sad that I can't connect with my little sister, Kenzie, anymore.
It makes me sad that Cassie seems a stranger to me now.
It makes me sad that Samantha and I used to talk about everything and now we only talk about car deals and work.
It makes me sad that my grandma is at home alone sometimes and I want to be there.
It makes me sad that I can't be support for my Dad.
It makes me sad that I don't understand my Mom anymore and she doesn't understand me.. disconnected.
It makes me sad that, as a family, we can't just gather around a couch and pop in a movie.
but most of all;
It makes me sad that I feel U.N.E.E.D.E.D.
I have this weird quality that I have had since Junior High and it stems from performing and Theatre especially. I have to feel like someone needs me! I constantly seek approval from every person I come in contact with and I desire to be liked by all.
With my family, I feel, we are all headed on paths that are different. Sam is married, to a GREAT guy, don't get me wrong. But she is starting her OWN family. Cassie is working and going to school and has a missionary that I know she loves and wants to marry. But she is starting her OWN family. Kenzie is dancing and working and trying to remain a good student. But one day she is going to start her OWN family. I am going to school and pursuing my passion. But one day I am going to start my OWN family.
OWN
OWN
OWN
OWN
OOOOOWWWWWWNNNNN
We shared EVERYTHING growing up. From rooms to bathrooms, from couches to cars. Now we all are starting out OWN paths.
I need to be okay with that.
I need to be okay with that.
Starting something of your own is normal...
trust me I Googled it.
I just need to be okay with that.
What I am not okay with is missing my family.
That's what I need to work on.
Keep Moving Forward.
till next time
-tay
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Grateful
I had a big wake up call today.
I guess it is a good sign that I am starting to notice my faults and not have them pointed out by others.
I have been blessed with a talent that is sufficient enough to get me a full tuition waiver to attend Weber State University as a Freshman. In addition to that I receive an academic scholarship and a Sterling Scholar Scholarship. Added on top of that all I received a six THOUSAND dollar pail grant! So each semester I receive three grand to live off of.
I am pretty set aren't I?
Why is it then that I insisted on wanting every last dollar of what scholarships I earned?
Weber state won't let certain scholarships or "waivers" be combined. All three of my scholarships are actually waivers. SO they only can be combined to 100% of tuition. I thought I should get it all. Why can't I just be GRATEFUL?!
This is a hard lesson for me to learn because all my life I have been spoiled with love. I have never had to do laundry. Never had to pay rent or pay the family's bills. I have never been forced to work.
The only reason I have worked is because I like my stuff.
I eat out and go see shows WHENEVER I want.
Now when school starts I am going to be "On my own" so to speak because I am moving out.
My family (mostly mom and older sister) think that it is pointless for me to waste my money and move out.
For me the moving out is not about getting away from my family. Instead it's about me growing up.
Remember when I said I was spoiled? Ya...
Time to grow up Taylor and be GRATEFUL.
I really am excited to be an adult finally.
I am excited to have my own things.
I am excited to get to make independent decisions.
I am excited to attend the best school in the West for Musical Theatre.
I am excited to finally be able to immerse myself 100% in the art that I love so much.
I am excited to try something I have never tried on my own: being on my own.
Just because I am moving out and going to school does not mean that I will forget about my family or friends.
I am not moving on I am just moving out.
I am GRATEFUL for my Mother who has raised me better than any single mother on Earth could have done. For crying for me and with me all these years. For defending me and fostering the person I am. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am GRATEFUL for my Grandma who understands me so well. For all the loads of laundry and amazing cooking. For rides in her convertible and love of theatre we share. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am GRATEFUL for my Samantha for always being the voice of reason. For telling me, no. For telling me, yes. For being my counselor and sister but more importantly my friend.And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am grateful for my Cassie and her bad attitude.:) For the way she yells at me and smiles. For the way she laughs and the way she cries. For her passion for life and desire to love. For our laughs and yells and cries and sighs. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am GRATEFUL for my McKenzie and the best friend she is to me. For the way we get along. For the way we fight. For her looking up to me even when I am down. For her looking down on me even when I am at my greatest.:) For her laugh. For her passion for dance and theatre. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am GRATEFUL for my Dad and the life changing decisions he makes for me. For the knowledge that no matter what happens to ME I will never be responsible for anyone's decisions but my own. For the glimpse of a life that is far worse than my own. For doing it so I don't have to. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am GRATEFUL for my Best Friends and for teaching me that having three best friends is better than having 100 Okay friends. For keeping me grounded. For being there for me. For putting up with me.:)And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
And finally I am GRATEFUL for me and for never settling. For my drive. For my persistence. For my life and for my love. For my highs and for my lows. For my religion and that it lets me make mistakes and still be a good person. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
Today has been very humbling. I am very GRATEFUL today. I am blessed to have such an amazing family. I hope they know that I have a new house but I don't have a new home.
Home will always be wherever my beautiful family is.
till next time
-Tay
I guess it is a good sign that I am starting to notice my faults and not have them pointed out by others.
I have been blessed with a talent that is sufficient enough to get me a full tuition waiver to attend Weber State University as a Freshman. In addition to that I receive an academic scholarship and a Sterling Scholar Scholarship. Added on top of that all I received a six THOUSAND dollar pail grant! So each semester I receive three grand to live off of.
I am pretty set aren't I?
Why is it then that I insisted on wanting every last dollar of what scholarships I earned?
Weber state won't let certain scholarships or "waivers" be combined. All three of my scholarships are actually waivers. SO they only can be combined to 100% of tuition. I thought I should get it all. Why can't I just be GRATEFUL?!
This is a hard lesson for me to learn because all my life I have been spoiled with love. I have never had to do laundry. Never had to pay rent or pay the family's bills. I have never been forced to work.
The only reason I have worked is because I like my stuff.
I eat out and go see shows WHENEVER I want.
Now when school starts I am going to be "On my own" so to speak because I am moving out.
My family (mostly mom and older sister) think that it is pointless for me to waste my money and move out.
For me the moving out is not about getting away from my family. Instead it's about me growing up.
Remember when I said I was spoiled? Ya...
Time to grow up Taylor and be GRATEFUL.
I really am excited to be an adult finally.
I am excited to have my own things.
I am excited to get to make independent decisions.
I am excited to attend the best school in the West for Musical Theatre.
I am excited to finally be able to immerse myself 100% in the art that I love so much.
I am excited to try something I have never tried on my own: being on my own.
Just because I am moving out and going to school does not mean that I will forget about my family or friends.
I am not moving on I am just moving out.
I am GRATEFUL for my Mother who has raised me better than any single mother on Earth could have done. For crying for me and with me all these years. For defending me and fostering the person I am. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am GRATEFUL for my Grandma who understands me so well. For all the loads of laundry and amazing cooking. For rides in her convertible and love of theatre we share. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am GRATEFUL for my Samantha for always being the voice of reason. For telling me, no. For telling me, yes. For being my counselor and sister but more importantly my friend.And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am grateful for my Cassie and her bad attitude.:) For the way she yells at me and smiles. For the way she laughs and the way she cries. For her passion for life and desire to love. For our laughs and yells and cries and sighs. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am GRATEFUL for my McKenzie and the best friend she is to me. For the way we get along. For the way we fight. For her looking up to me even when I am down. For her looking down on me even when I am at my greatest.:) For her laugh. For her passion for dance and theatre. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am GRATEFUL for my Dad and the life changing decisions he makes for me. For the knowledge that no matter what happens to ME I will never be responsible for anyone's decisions but my own. For the glimpse of a life that is far worse than my own. For doing it so I don't have to. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
I am GRATEFUL for my Best Friends and for teaching me that having three best friends is better than having 100 Okay friends. For keeping me grounded. For being there for me. For putting up with me.:)And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
And finally I am GRATEFUL for me and for never settling. For my drive. For my persistence. For my life and for my love. For my highs and for my lows. For my religion and that it lets me make mistakes and still be a good person. And most of all, for fueling the passion I have for theatre and my life and never telling me I can't do it.
Today has been very humbling. I am very GRATEFUL today. I am blessed to have such an amazing family. I hope they know that I have a new house but I don't have a new home.
Home will always be wherever my beautiful family is.
till next time
-Tay
Sunday, July 10, 2011
FRIENDS, FRIENDS, and FRIENDS!!
Last night I realized how amazingly blessed I have been! God sends me just the people I need at just the right time and keeps the people I need right there with me!
I would first off like to say how much I appreciate and love my best friend Austin Hull. No matter what he is always there for me and will do absolutely anything for me! He honestly is the most loving and caring person I know and I wouldn't be who I am without him.
Lisha Michel is my rock. She will always make me laugh and cry all at the same time! She is so beautiful and talented to boot and without her my life would be boring and empty. I have never known someone who is so strong and caring. I love her with all my heart.
Kelcee ToynE is always the person in my life that I can just laugh and laugh and laugh with. She and I are partners in crime and will ALWAYS be friends:) I love our special talks that we cry and share our deepest thoughts and just be ourselves.. I love that douche;)
Often as humans we look measure our worth with money or material things. More and more lately I find myself measuring my worth with the goals I accomplish or what I do best. ME ME ME! WHY???
I thought to myself today, as I contemplate the amazing new friends I have made, why not measure my worth with the amazing people I surround myself with daily?
Now I just want to thank these people who I have met and have made a big impact on me lately, all of which have blessed my life and taught me a valuable lesson in the little time we have talked.
Jessica Jenkins
Jamie Sanduk
Shelby Andersen
Scott Maruri
Andrea (Deedee) Riches
Holly Jo Samuelson
Matt Dickamore
Tanner Rampton
Hunter Hogkinson
Sarah Nielson
Ovuoba Sister's:)
Krista Davies
AND
SO MANY MORE!!
Oh my goodness.. I am just so blessed
enough said. I love you all and I am so excited to see what happens in the future and how amazing you all are!!
Till next time.
-Tay
I would first off like to say how much I appreciate and love my best friend Austin Hull. No matter what he is always there for me and will do absolutely anything for me! He honestly is the most loving and caring person I know and I wouldn't be who I am without him.
Lisha Michel is my rock. She will always make me laugh and cry all at the same time! She is so beautiful and talented to boot and without her my life would be boring and empty. I have never known someone who is so strong and caring. I love her with all my heart.
Kelcee ToynE is always the person in my life that I can just laugh and laugh and laugh with. She and I are partners in crime and will ALWAYS be friends:) I love our special talks that we cry and share our deepest thoughts and just be ourselves.. I love that douche;)
Often as humans we look measure our worth with money or material things. More and more lately I find myself measuring my worth with the goals I accomplish or what I do best. ME ME ME! WHY???
I thought to myself today, as I contemplate the amazing new friends I have made, why not measure my worth with the amazing people I surround myself with daily?
Now I just want to thank these people who I have met and have made a big impact on me lately, all of which have blessed my life and taught me a valuable lesson in the little time we have talked.
Jessica Jenkins
Jamie Sanduk
Shelby Andersen
Scott Maruri
Andrea (Deedee) Riches
Holly Jo Samuelson
Matt Dickamore
Tanner Rampton
Hunter Hogkinson
Sarah Nielson
Ovuoba Sister's:)
Krista Davies
AND
SO MANY MORE!!
Oh my goodness.. I am just so blessed
enough said. I love you all and I am so excited to see what happens in the future and how amazing you all are!!
Till next time.
-Tay
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Lucky
As my first show I have ever "Assistant Stage Managed" comes to a close I can't help but think about two things.
One: Would my Grandma Sandy be proud of the person I have become?
and Two: Am I proud of the person I have become.
I really have never been completely open about my personal life with people I don't know and it takes a lot for me to open up about the sensitive topics in my personal life. I have grown up and realize now that just because something bad happens to you it does not mean by any means that it defines you.
When I was 13 years old at the beginning of what I would come remember as the BEST and the WORST summer of my life, I received news that no teenagers is ready for...
"Your grandma has cancer."
These four words will forever be engraved in my memory.
The summer was filled with weekly, sometimes more than once, visits down to Springville, Utah. As the months of consistent radiation and chemotherapy went on I watched my biggest fan and hero of the world wilt before my very own eyes.
terrible.
The months seemed to go by too quickly and pretty soon Christmas was knocking on the front door. We got to spend it with our loving grandma.
Late night movies, good home cooking, and sharing old memories would follow that memorable Christmas but nothing seemed the same.
The cancer had spread to the brain and my grandma was gone...
The last time I saw and talked to my grandma I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me and always will. She told me she loved me and she always will.
Always will.
I left my grandma on a cold January night
and she left this beautiful Earth on a beautiful January morning, the morning of my 14th birthday.
I heard the news while at school.
How could this be happening to me on MY day I kept thinking to myself that day..
Looking back now I realize she really meant that statement.. Always will.
Sometimes I feel her.. Sometimes I hear her voice.. but sometimes.. maybe just once I want to see her.
So I guess my question is
Is she proud of me?
Tonight I spent an amazing night listening to the amazingly talented cast of Centerpoint Legacy Theaters' Civil War.
wow.
I realized how LUCKY I am to be SURROUNDED by such love and talent!
I sang and for the first time since my Grandmas passing I saw her. Not in a picture or even "ghostly form"
but I closed my eyes at the end of the song and saw her clear as day..
Out of nowhere there she was and she whispered.. "you make me proud."
Now I know many people won't believe this but I felt this. I felt her.
And now I know the answer to my question.
I DO make her proud.
And
I make myself proud.
till next time.
-Tay
One: Would my Grandma Sandy be proud of the person I have become?
and Two: Am I proud of the person I have become.
I really have never been completely open about my personal life with people I don't know and it takes a lot for me to open up about the sensitive topics in my personal life. I have grown up and realize now that just because something bad happens to you it does not mean by any means that it defines you.
When I was 13 years old at the beginning of what I would come remember as the BEST and the WORST summer of my life, I received news that no teenagers is ready for...
"Your grandma has cancer."
These four words will forever be engraved in my memory.
The summer was filled with weekly, sometimes more than once, visits down to Springville, Utah. As the months of consistent radiation and chemotherapy went on I watched my biggest fan and hero of the world wilt before my very own eyes.
The months seemed to go by too quickly and pretty soon Christmas was knocking on the front door. We got to spend it with our loving grandma.
Late night movies, good home cooking, and sharing old memories would follow that memorable Christmas but nothing seemed the same.
The cancer had spread to the brain and my grandma was gone...
The last time I saw and talked to my grandma I told her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me and always will. She told me she loved me and she always will.
Always will.
I left my grandma on a cold January night
and she left this beautiful Earth on a beautiful January morning, the morning of my 14th birthday.
I heard the news while at school.
How could this be happening to me on MY day I kept thinking to myself that day..
Looking back now I realize she really meant that statement.. Always will.
Sometimes I feel her.. Sometimes I hear her voice.. but sometimes.. maybe just once I want to see her.
So I guess my question is
Is she proud of me?
Tonight I spent an amazing night listening to the amazingly talented cast of Centerpoint Legacy Theaters' Civil War.
wow.
I realized how LUCKY I am to be SURROUNDED by such love and talent!
I sang and for the first time since my Grandmas passing I saw her. Not in a picture or even "ghostly form"
but I closed my eyes at the end of the song and saw her clear as day..
Out of nowhere there she was and she whispered.. "you make me proud."
Now I know many people won't believe this but I felt this. I felt her.
And now I know the answer to my question.
I DO make her proud.
And
I make myself proud.
till next time.
-Tay
Monday, July 4, 2011
Cancer
So tonight I did a CLEAN HOUSE of my past.. With this clean house, I DELETED the old "Myspace" I found this in my old blog. Enjoy..
A Story of Perspective and a Conflict with Cancer
Grandma Sandy Speaks
I led a simple life, a good life. I dedicated my life to raising my four beautiful children. I was happy, healthy, and loved living life to the fullest. My heart was full of love to share with the world. Summer was approaching quickly, which meant long days under the wonderful sun. Family get togethers, reading my favorite books, and the expected tan lines were within my fingers reach.
I remember feeling like I was coming down with something. Prior to the warm weather I was getting headaches and becoming very tired. I thought nothing of it. I was old right? Isn't that what older people undergo? In my mind I kept telling myself I was just tired, it was old age creeping up on me after sixty six years on this earth.
"Cancer?" I repeated to the man staring back at me in the dull hospital room. "Yes Sandra, cancer." was all I heard the man say. The room consisted of four white walls and an obnoxious clock. "Tick. Tick. Tick" I could feel my heart beating in my chest almost synchronized with the ticking of the clock. The Florescent hospital lights were bothering my eyes and created a buzzing sound effect that almost felt like it was mocking the news that I had just been dealt. This place I would come to hate.
My first challenge as a cancer patient was the phone call to my loved ones.
"Ring, Ring." was echoing in my ear until the familiar sound of my sons voice picked up. "I am sick, I have cancer." It just exploded from my lips. I didn't know any other way to go about it. The conversation held still for what seemed like forever. I left the conversation with the sound of crying on the other line.
My worst day during the seven months I fought cancer was the day I lost my hair. I was just getting back from a doctors appointment when I noticed it had begun. My hair was falling out in big clumps. I moved my hand over the newly formed bald spot that was on the side of my head. I walked into the nearby bathroom to check out the damage. I couldn't draw my eyes away from my own reflection. It wasn't about the fact I might look funny bald, this just represented something so much more. It represented the fact that things would never again be the same.
My best day was the same as my worst. After what seemed like hours of staring at my reflection and being down on myself, I called my family. My daughter in law and my four grandchildren came to my rescue. As Jennifer pulled out her razor the kids watched in awe. I thought to myself what are they going to think of having a bald grandma. Thoughts raced through my head as I watched the remaining of my hair fall in pieces to the floor. I waited for everyone's reaction in anticipation. Everyone tried to keep a straight face, what were they up to, I thought to myself. This time as I entered the bathroom to look once again into my dreadful friend the mirror, I was shocked. There staring back at me was a reflection of a grandma with a bright red Mohawk. Was I supposed to be upset? I wasn't quite sure how to react, until I walked into the living room where everyone was waiting. "You're the coolest grandma in the entire universe." Cassandra said from across the room. With that everyone burst out in laughter. We rolled around holding our bellies with joy. I took in every moment of that day, my new hairdo and my new look of someone fighting to take her life back. I wanted to use this new energy to rip it away from cancers tightly closed fist. I also took in the smiles on my grandchildren's face, the sound of laughter that filled every room of the house, and the look in little Cassandra's eyes as she talked about me, the coolest grandma in the universe.
Samantha Speaks
"You look beautiful" my mom said to me as I slipped my graduation gown over my newly ironed white dress. I was putting the finishing touches on, the shoes, the earrings, and my graduation cap. I was so excited; high school was finally coming to an end, which meant the start of something new.
I remember feeling selfish when I first found out the news. It was the day of my graduation and I couldn't comprehend why my grandma didn't want to come and see me get my diploma and walk with my class. My mom had explained she wasn't coming because she felt tired and didn't want to make the drive. I didn't understand at all, this was my day. Right? What I didn't know at the time was my grandma was sick with cancer and wanted to be there so badly but couldn't. After a night of celebration I was told the truth about my grandmas absence.
As I lay there in my bed after my graduation, I drifted off into a past memory of my grandma. It was a warm summer day. I was staying overnight at my grandmas house. As I awoke that morning, the air was filled with the smell of fresh bread. This could only mean one thing, grandma's famous cinnamon and sugar toast. I heard the sounds of running water, the creeks of the old house as her feet moved about, the sounds of summer peeking in through the open windows, and the pop of the old toaster. "Samantha, wake up." my grandmother called from the kitchen. It was time to entangle myself from my grandma's warm sheets. I flew into the kitchen, wearing my grandma's silky leopard print pajamas, like my feet were made of air. There awaited me my favorite things in the world, my grandma and her cinnamon and sugar toast.
The next seven months I got to spend with my grandma Sandy would go by too quickly. Although there were many bad days with her, there were also good and with those good came some of the best memories I ever got from my grandma. The last time I saw her alive was one memory I will never forget. It was towards the end for her and you couldn't make sense of almost anything she said. She slept most of the time. By this stage of the cancer it took over her whole body. My brother, sisters and I laid with her in the living room as she slept. This feeling overcame me and I knew this would be the last time. We all laid there grasping different parts of her body and clothes. I had her hands. Her hands were my favorite part of her. They were very soft for being so aged and always smelt of Jergens lotion. She had a way of putting them on you that made you feel the love of a caring grandmother. When it was time to leave I prayed she would wake up and be normal long enough to say goodbye. I knew this was my only chance. "It's time to go." My mother kept repeating. I couldn't get the words to escape my lips to warn everyone this was the last time. I just knew it. Then my prayers were answered. My grandma opened her eyes. She went through every person in the room and said something. She kept saying she loved us. This was the first time I'd heard these words in quite awhile, because of the effects cancer had on her. When she got through everyone, it was my turn last. I remember her focusing her eyes right on me. I started crying. I wanted to scream to her this wasn't fair I didn't want her to go. She looked right at me and called me a cry baby. Huh? I stared in shock. Was this the sentence that I would remember forever? Then she spoke again, "Yes you are, but you're my crybaby. Always, always, I love you." I gripped her hands more tightly, gave her a kiss, and she drifted off to sleep again.
Cancer Speaks
I am cancer. I, in many eyes am your worst nightmare. I started in Sandra's body in her lungs. It didn't take me too much time at all to make my way all the way from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. It was an easy journey through her body. Sandra was a lot stronger than many I've ever dealt with. Although I was spread everywhere and there was no hope, she still fought up until the very end. They tried to get rid of me, but I persisted. I watched along with her loved ones as her body deteriorated. On a cold January morning I took her life.
God Speaks
"Welcome home Sandra…"
**This sorry was originally an assignment my older sister had to do, just a simple short story, but this one really hits home for me and I hope it does for any of you that have lost a loved one to cancer. just write it down if you ever feel any pain. it works. My sister is a very talented writer and i admire her.
Till next time.
Taylor
A Story of Perspective and a Conflict with Cancer
Grandma Sandy Speaks
I led a simple life, a good life. I dedicated my life to raising my four beautiful children. I was happy, healthy, and loved living life to the fullest. My heart was full of love to share with the world. Summer was approaching quickly, which meant long days under the wonderful sun. Family get togethers, reading my favorite books, and the expected tan lines were within my fingers reach.
I remember feeling like I was coming down with something. Prior to the warm weather I was getting headaches and becoming very tired. I thought nothing of it. I was old right? Isn't that what older people undergo? In my mind I kept telling myself I was just tired, it was old age creeping up on me after sixty six years on this earth.
"Cancer?" I repeated to the man staring back at me in the dull hospital room. "Yes Sandra, cancer." was all I heard the man say. The room consisted of four white walls and an obnoxious clock. "Tick. Tick. Tick" I could feel my heart beating in my chest almost synchronized with the ticking of the clock. The Florescent hospital lights were bothering my eyes and created a buzzing sound effect that almost felt like it was mocking the news that I had just been dealt. This place I would come to hate.
My first challenge as a cancer patient was the phone call to my loved ones.
"Ring, Ring." was echoing in my ear until the familiar sound of my sons voice picked up. "I am sick, I have cancer." It just exploded from my lips. I didn't know any other way to go about it. The conversation held still for what seemed like forever. I left the conversation with the sound of crying on the other line.
My worst day during the seven months I fought cancer was the day I lost my hair. I was just getting back from a doctors appointment when I noticed it had begun. My hair was falling out in big clumps. I moved my hand over the newly formed bald spot that was on the side of my head. I walked into the nearby bathroom to check out the damage. I couldn't draw my eyes away from my own reflection. It wasn't about the fact I might look funny bald, this just represented something so much more. It represented the fact that things would never again be the same.
My best day was the same as my worst. After what seemed like hours of staring at my reflection and being down on myself, I called my family. My daughter in law and my four grandchildren came to my rescue. As Jennifer pulled out her razor the kids watched in awe. I thought to myself what are they going to think of having a bald grandma. Thoughts raced through my head as I watched the remaining of my hair fall in pieces to the floor. I waited for everyone's reaction in anticipation. Everyone tried to keep a straight face, what were they up to, I thought to myself. This time as I entered the bathroom to look once again into my dreadful friend the mirror, I was shocked. There staring back at me was a reflection of a grandma with a bright red Mohawk. Was I supposed to be upset? I wasn't quite sure how to react, until I walked into the living room where everyone was waiting. "You're the coolest grandma in the entire universe." Cassandra said from across the room. With that everyone burst out in laughter. We rolled around holding our bellies with joy. I took in every moment of that day, my new hairdo and my new look of someone fighting to take her life back. I wanted to use this new energy to rip it away from cancers tightly closed fist. I also took in the smiles on my grandchildren's face, the sound of laughter that filled every room of the house, and the look in little Cassandra's eyes as she talked about me, the coolest grandma in the universe.
Samantha Speaks
"You look beautiful" my mom said to me as I slipped my graduation gown over my newly ironed white dress. I was putting the finishing touches on, the shoes, the earrings, and my graduation cap. I was so excited; high school was finally coming to an end, which meant the start of something new.
I remember feeling selfish when I first found out the news. It was the day of my graduation and I couldn't comprehend why my grandma didn't want to come and see me get my diploma and walk with my class. My mom had explained she wasn't coming because she felt tired and didn't want to make the drive. I didn't understand at all, this was my day. Right? What I didn't know at the time was my grandma was sick with cancer and wanted to be there so badly but couldn't. After a night of celebration I was told the truth about my grandmas absence.
As I lay there in my bed after my graduation, I drifted off into a past memory of my grandma. It was a warm summer day. I was staying overnight at my grandmas house. As I awoke that morning, the air was filled with the smell of fresh bread. This could only mean one thing, grandma's famous cinnamon and sugar toast. I heard the sounds of running water, the creeks of the old house as her feet moved about, the sounds of summer peeking in through the open windows, and the pop of the old toaster. "Samantha, wake up." my grandmother called from the kitchen. It was time to entangle myself from my grandma's warm sheets. I flew into the kitchen, wearing my grandma's silky leopard print pajamas, like my feet were made of air. There awaited me my favorite things in the world, my grandma and her cinnamon and sugar toast.
The next seven months I got to spend with my grandma Sandy would go by too quickly. Although there were many bad days with her, there were also good and with those good came some of the best memories I ever got from my grandma. The last time I saw her alive was one memory I will never forget. It was towards the end for her and you couldn't make sense of almost anything she said. She slept most of the time. By this stage of the cancer it took over her whole body. My brother, sisters and I laid with her in the living room as she slept. This feeling overcame me and I knew this would be the last time. We all laid there grasping different parts of her body and clothes. I had her hands. Her hands were my favorite part of her. They were very soft for being so aged and always smelt of Jergens lotion. She had a way of putting them on you that made you feel the love of a caring grandmother. When it was time to leave I prayed she would wake up and be normal long enough to say goodbye. I knew this was my only chance. "It's time to go." My mother kept repeating. I couldn't get the words to escape my lips to warn everyone this was the last time. I just knew it. Then my prayers were answered. My grandma opened her eyes. She went through every person in the room and said something. She kept saying she loved us. This was the first time I'd heard these words in quite awhile, because of the effects cancer had on her. When she got through everyone, it was my turn last. I remember her focusing her eyes right on me. I started crying. I wanted to scream to her this wasn't fair I didn't want her to go. She looked right at me and called me a cry baby. Huh? I stared in shock. Was this the sentence that I would remember forever? Then she spoke again, "Yes you are, but you're my crybaby. Always, always, I love you." I gripped her hands more tightly, gave her a kiss, and she drifted off to sleep again.
Cancer Speaks
I am cancer. I, in many eyes am your worst nightmare. I started in Sandra's body in her lungs. It didn't take me too much time at all to make my way all the way from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. It was an easy journey through her body. Sandra was a lot stronger than many I've ever dealt with. Although I was spread everywhere and there was no hope, she still fought up until the very end. They tried to get rid of me, but I persisted. I watched along with her loved ones as her body deteriorated. On a cold January morning I took her life.
God Speaks
"Welcome home Sandra…"
**This sorry was originally an assignment my older sister had to do, just a simple short story, but this one really hits home for me and I hope it does for any of you that have lost a loved one to cancer. just write it down if you ever feel any pain. it works. My sister is a very talented writer and i admire her.
Till next time.
Taylor
Thursday, June 30, 2011
School
WHY AM I ALREADY THINKING ABOUT SCHOOL?!
For me deciding what College to attend was not easy.. I have thought since last July that where I was "supposed" to be was at Brigham Young University in Provo. Well.. Obviously that is not where I am.
For those who don't know I applied to BYU in late November early December. BYU takes A LONG TIME to get back with admissions decisions. While waiting I auditioned for the MDT program, which is one of the best Music Dance Theatre Degrees out there. Call backs were rough and needless to say I did NOT make it. STRIKE ONE. Only a short while after that I got the "official admissions decision for Fall semester."
"Denied" is what the link told me. STRIKE TWO.
Man was I on a roll for getting denied to the one place I wanted to be the most.
So I wasn't completely stupid and I continued to apply for scholarships and audition for other Musical Theatre programs in the state and a couple in Wyoming. This is the thing that made me so frustrated though.. I got in! I got money! And I got acknowledged.. I even got a full tuition scholarship FOR BYU! Don't ask me how THAT happens..
Well along comes Young Ambassador Auditions. The time I had been really waiting for all year long. I was not as prepared as I should have been. I did not have the audition I should have had. I did not make Young Ambassadors. STRIKE THREE!
I'm out.
Now why am I so worried about the past? Am I? I don't think that I am as worried about it as I am trying to think about my future.
The school I decided on attending was Weber State University. This school is AMAZING! In my brain I never wanted to go to Weber because around where I live Weber is just Weber... if that makes sense.. You don't appreciate it and it doesn't look as good as other schools but IN REALITY Weber State is one of the ONLY school's in the state that I am going to be in a class with less that 40 students. One of the only schools where most Professors have Doctorates. AND one of the only schools that is NATIONALLY recognized for their theatre programs and I am on a full scholarship for theatre to attend in the fall.
I think I am doing pretty good for myself. I know that one day I will be a Young Ambassador and attend BYU like I always wanted to. But right now, I am THRILLED to be with the amazing staff and students at Weber State University.
I am growing up.. I'll be moving out in less then a month now. SCARY! I will be a full time student at a UNIVERSITY in less than TWO MONTHS! SCARY!
I still have my amazing family to support and love me. So I know I will make it.
I love my mom
I love my dad
I love my grandma
I love my sisters and brother-in-law
I love my friends
I love who I am and where I am going.
Keep Moving Forward.
-Tay
For me deciding what College to attend was not easy.. I have thought since last July that where I was "supposed" to be was at Brigham Young University in Provo. Well.. Obviously that is not where I am.
For those who don't know I applied to BYU in late November early December. BYU takes A LONG TIME to get back with admissions decisions. While waiting I auditioned for the MDT program, which is one of the best Music Dance Theatre Degrees out there. Call backs were rough and needless to say I did NOT make it. STRIKE ONE. Only a short while after that I got the "official admissions decision for Fall semester."
"Denied" is what the link told me. STRIKE TWO.
Man was I on a roll for getting denied to the one place I wanted to be the most.
So I wasn't completely stupid and I continued to apply for scholarships and audition for other Musical Theatre programs in the state and a couple in Wyoming. This is the thing that made me so frustrated though.. I got in! I got money! And I got acknowledged.. I even got a full tuition scholarship FOR BYU! Don't ask me how THAT happens..
Well along comes Young Ambassador Auditions. The time I had been really waiting for all year long. I was not as prepared as I should have been. I did not have the audition I should have had. I did not make Young Ambassadors. STRIKE THREE!
I'm out.
Now why am I so worried about the past? Am I? I don't think that I am as worried about it as I am trying to think about my future.
The school I decided on attending was Weber State University. This school is AMAZING! In my brain I never wanted to go to Weber because around where I live Weber is just Weber... if that makes sense.. You don't appreciate it and it doesn't look as good as other schools but IN REALITY Weber State is one of the ONLY school's in the state that I am going to be in a class with less that 40 students. One of the only schools where most Professors have Doctorates. AND one of the only schools that is NATIONALLY recognized for their theatre programs and I am on a full scholarship for theatre to attend in the fall.
I think I am doing pretty good for myself. I know that one day I will be a Young Ambassador and attend BYU like I always wanted to. But right now, I am THRILLED to be with the amazing staff and students at Weber State University.
I am growing up.. I'll be moving out in less then a month now. SCARY! I will be a full time student at a UNIVERSITY in less than TWO MONTHS! SCARY!
I still have my amazing family to support and love me. So I know I will make it.
I love my mom
I love my dad
I love my grandma
I love my sisters and brother-in-law
I love my friends
I love who I am and where I am going.
Keep Moving Forward.
-Tay
Monday, June 27, 2011
confusion
I try really hard to pretend like I always have it together..
Examples of this range from top of my graduating class or a fake smile to people that never really liked me.
I am trying to come to a happy medium of who I am when it comes to other people. I laugh a lot and love life don't get me wrong but sometimes I just wonder, "Why the hell am I here?"
I know in all surety that The Church (LDS) is the true church. I know that my family loves me. I know I have great friends. I know that Theatre is what I am best at. I know that I am happy. and finally I know that I have a purpose.
What is that PURPOSE though?
I watch my older sister Samantha and her husband, Brandon, and I look up to them so much. Sure they have silly arguments where one of them is clearly wrong but won't admit it. But all in all I feel that both of them have it pretty much together. My sister is going into one of the best Master's programs in Utah and Brandon is only in his 20's and already has a career that most people would envy AND he is going to school too!
What am I doing is what I asked myself today.
My mom and I were driving the other day and she really got on my case. I was freaking annoyed needless to say. I couldn't understand why she was telling me that I was not doing the right things in life and making the wrong things in my life a priority when, in everyone else's eyes, I have been a very successful teen with an extremely bright future. She basically said that I needed to have a girlfriend or someone to love me and for me to love them back. Well I blew this off for a long time until yesterday in church. I went to church for the first time in a long time due to my work schedule and in all honesty a lack of desire to attend church. During Sunday School the lesson was about LOVE! Of all things LOVE! (I think this was The Lords way of telling me my mother was right all along.) Now, while the teacher was having a hard time getting to his point THE WHOLE LESSON I think I connected the dots pretty well... (I am good at doing that sometimes.)
Love is what we all need.
Period.
My mom was trying to tell me that I let my duties at home, my job, and my love for Theatre overpower what EVERYONE needs. Even the invincible Taylor Knuth.
I don't need someone to tell me how great I am and how much they love me.. but I do need someone to need me.. and if there was one thing that I can say I regret about high school, it's that I never had that and when I came close to getting it
I ran away.
So to all the girls out there that I dated or liked... (that of which I can count on one hand.)
I am sorry. I know that a silly blog will never suffice for my stupid mistakes I made or the douche bag things I said. But I really did and still DO care deeply about you.
Hopefully one day I can find a girl who needs me. I look at my older sister and her husband and I want that so bad.
Love IS what we all need.
Till next time
- Tay
Examples of this range from top of my graduating class or a fake smile to people that never really liked me.
I am trying to come to a happy medium of who I am when it comes to other people. I laugh a lot and love life don't get me wrong but sometimes I just wonder, "Why the hell am I here?"
I know in all surety that The Church (LDS) is the true church. I know that my family loves me. I know I have great friends. I know that Theatre is what I am best at. I know that I am happy. and finally I know that I have a purpose.
What is that PURPOSE though?
I watch my older sister Samantha and her husband, Brandon, and I look up to them so much. Sure they have silly arguments where one of them is clearly wrong but won't admit it. But all in all I feel that both of them have it pretty much together. My sister is going into one of the best Master's programs in Utah and Brandon is only in his 20's and already has a career that most people would envy AND he is going to school too!
What am I doing is what I asked myself today.
My mom and I were driving the other day and she really got on my case. I was freaking annoyed needless to say. I couldn't understand why she was telling me that I was not doing the right things in life and making the wrong things in my life a priority when, in everyone else's eyes, I have been a very successful teen with an extremely bright future. She basically said that I needed to have a girlfriend or someone to love me and for me to love them back. Well I blew this off for a long time until yesterday in church. I went to church for the first time in a long time due to my work schedule and in all honesty a lack of desire to attend church. During Sunday School the lesson was about LOVE! Of all things LOVE! (I think this was The Lords way of telling me my mother was right all along.) Now, while the teacher was having a hard time getting to his point THE WHOLE LESSON I think I connected the dots pretty well... (I am good at doing that sometimes.)
Love is what we all need.
Period.
My mom was trying to tell me that I let my duties at home, my job, and my love for Theatre overpower what EVERYONE needs. Even the invincible Taylor Knuth.
I don't need someone to tell me how great I am and how much they love me.. but I do need someone to need me.. and if there was one thing that I can say I regret about high school, it's that I never had that and when I came close to getting it
I ran away.
So to all the girls out there that I dated or liked... (that of which I can count on one hand.)
I am sorry. I know that a silly blog will never suffice for my stupid mistakes I made or the douche bag things I said. But I really did and still DO care deeply about you.
Hopefully one day I can find a girl who needs me. I look at my older sister and her husband and I want that so bad.
Love IS what we all need.
Till next time
- Tay
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Daddy's Shoes
Today was a very monumental day for me. I was honored at Senior Awards night for my scholarships received and spent the day preparing for the Drama Club Closing Social. The social truly was amazing. It was filled with laughs, tears, and shouts as we remembered and moved forward with Clearfield High School Theatre.
I entitled this blog "Daddy's' Shoes"
When everyone is young they can remember putting on their dads giant shoes. I can remember my dads dirty, leather, steal toed boots and remember how they sheltered my small feet at the time. My dad would then reach out his hand and place it in front of mine and would compare his massive hands to my seemingly miniature ones. He would tell me one day I MIGHT have big feet and big hands. I would reply by saying something like "by then, you'll be in a wheel chair and I am going to push you out of it!"
Why am I connecting these deeply personal stories with this day?
I have realized that I AM replaceable. As I stood upon the Little Theatre stage for the last time and presented the new officers I looked at them; one of them being my own little sister, and I saw in them the same spark I had my Junior and Sophomore year. That spark is what keeps the flame of theatre alive at CHS. Without that spark none of it would be possible.
I told Spencer Hunsicker, the NEW Theatre President, this, "You have big shoes to fill. 11.5 to be exact!" He replied, "Well I am only a 10."
We all feel like "10's" at time. We all feel inadequate or vulnerable at times and whilst I have made a big impact at CHS I have no doubt in my mind that those officers can do it.
I lost someone special to me tonight.
I hate how it makes my family hurt.
I hate how I feel responsible.
I hate how it makes me feel.
I hate that the shoes I once wanted to fill
I can't even get in to run away with.
I love my life so much.
I love my mother.
I love my Father...
I love my Grandmother.
I love Samantha.
I love Brandon.
I love Cassandra.
I love Mckenzie.
I love Austin.
I love Kelcee.
I love Lisha.
I love me
till next time.
-Tay
I entitled this blog "Daddy's' Shoes"
When everyone is young they can remember putting on their dads giant shoes. I can remember my dads dirty, leather, steal toed boots and remember how they sheltered my small feet at the time. My dad would then reach out his hand and place it in front of mine and would compare his massive hands to my seemingly miniature ones. He would tell me one day I MIGHT have big feet and big hands. I would reply by saying something like "by then, you'll be in a wheel chair and I am going to push you out of it!"
Why am I connecting these deeply personal stories with this day?
I have realized that I AM replaceable. As I stood upon the Little Theatre stage for the last time and presented the new officers I looked at them; one of them being my own little sister, and I saw in them the same spark I had my Junior and Sophomore year. That spark is what keeps the flame of theatre alive at CHS. Without that spark none of it would be possible.
I told Spencer Hunsicker, the NEW Theatre President, this, "You have big shoes to fill. 11.5 to be exact!" He replied, "Well I am only a 10."
We all feel like "10's" at time. We all feel inadequate or vulnerable at times and whilst I have made a big impact at CHS I have no doubt in my mind that those officers can do it.
I lost someone special to me tonight.
I hate how it makes my family hurt.
I hate how I feel responsible.
I hate how it makes me feel.
I hate that the shoes I once wanted to fill
I can't even get in to run away with.
I love my life so much.
I love my mother.
I love my Father...
I love my Grandmother.
I love Samantha.
I love Brandon.
I love Cassandra.
I love Mckenzie.
I love Austin.
I love Kelcee.
I love Lisha.
I love me
till next time.
-Tay
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Gotta get through this!
Come on Taylor..
Get your head with it all.
School is almost out but it isn't out yet so FOCUS!
Keep Moving Forward.
I love CHS but I gott get on with my life!
much love..
Tay
Get your head with it all.
School is almost out but it isn't out yet so FOCUS!
Keep Moving Forward.
I love CHS but I gott get on with my life!
much love..
Tay
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
WAIT!!! .... I am only HUMAN?
Ya... hard to imagine right?
Taylor Knuth can only do so much.
I had a giant wake up call for me this past weekend. As you can tell it is that; "the once invincible, Taylor Knuth is NOT all he's cracked up to be!" I came home the other night very upset. I was upset at a situation that is completely out of my control. This situation had me questioning my beliefs, principles, and even who I am. It was a legitimate worry but at the same time something that my current state of being can not understand, and will not understand for a long time. I tried to hide the tears from my mom and family but soon I couldn't and retreated to my bedroom for the night. I called one of my best friends and cried and cried until I couldn't breathe anymore. She said some amazing things to me that, if I were truly listening, would have prevented the hell that was about to ensue in my life. I hung up the phone, still in hysteria, and knelt as if I were completely okay and ready to pray. Well needless to say the prayer did not happen. I collapsed and felt a pain in my chest that was overwhelming and stopped me dead in my tracks.
I grabbed my chest and cried as I gasped for air. Was I overreacting? Was it a wake up call? I tried to call for help but the words wouldn't come. I called my mom and she came up in a panic. The pain would not go away and this feeling made me panic even more! My mom rushed me to the Emergency Room and we were seen by the doctor and I was stabilized in due time. Granted it was only in small part because of the Ativan I was given and mostly because of my AMAZING mother and sister.
They helped me realize that at some point I have to decide that I, Taylor Knuth, am important. Even though the actions and day-to-day activities I do are important, at some point I have to say "OK! It is Taylor that matters more!" While this all sounds like of selfish, it really is true. Without ME there is no ME! Crazy right?
I know that I do NOT have it all together. And this past experience has been the worst moment of my short life. But I never want to feel that again. I suffered from a major anxiety attack and it will be something I have to deal with for the rest of my life. But I can control where I put ME in my list of priorities.
And until I get better
Me is #1
Thank you to my Mother, Grandma, Sisters, and my amazing BEST friends Austin and Lisha I am who I am because of YOU!
-TK
Taylor Knuth can only do so much.
I had a giant wake up call for me this past weekend. As you can tell it is that; "the once invincible, Taylor Knuth is NOT all he's cracked up to be!" I came home the other night very upset. I was upset at a situation that is completely out of my control. This situation had me questioning my beliefs, principles, and even who I am. It was a legitimate worry but at the same time something that my current state of being can not understand, and will not understand for a long time. I tried to hide the tears from my mom and family but soon I couldn't and retreated to my bedroom for the night. I called one of my best friends and cried and cried until I couldn't breathe anymore. She said some amazing things to me that, if I were truly listening, would have prevented the hell that was about to ensue in my life. I hung up the phone, still in hysteria, and knelt as if I were completely okay and ready to pray. Well needless to say the prayer did not happen. I collapsed and felt a pain in my chest that was overwhelming and stopped me dead in my tracks.
I grabbed my chest and cried as I gasped for air. Was I overreacting? Was it a wake up call? I tried to call for help but the words wouldn't come. I called my mom and she came up in a panic. The pain would not go away and this feeling made me panic even more! My mom rushed me to the Emergency Room and we were seen by the doctor and I was stabilized in due time. Granted it was only in small part because of the Ativan I was given and mostly because of my AMAZING mother and sister.
They helped me realize that at some point I have to decide that I, Taylor Knuth, am important. Even though the actions and day-to-day activities I do are important, at some point I have to say "OK! It is Taylor that matters more!" While this all sounds like of selfish, it really is true. Without ME there is no ME! Crazy right?
I know that I do NOT have it all together. And this past experience has been the worst moment of my short life. But I never want to feel that again. I suffered from a major anxiety attack and it will be something I have to deal with for the rest of my life. But I can control where I put ME in my list of priorities.
And until I get better
Me is #1
Thank you to my Mother, Grandma, Sisters, and my amazing BEST friends Austin and Lisha I am who I am because of YOU!
-TK
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I am strong.
As I performed tonight a thought came to my head that I just couldn't get to go away...
What is it that keeps ME moving forward?
Really?
I had a really rough night last week when I received an email from the MDT program at BYU. This program is awesome. It is the Musical Dance Theatre program and it kicks trash. In the email it simply stated that "We are not able to offer you a position in our MDT program at this time." ...... Sucks, yes I know this. I litterally was IN SHOCK. I had no idea what I was doing. So, like in anytime of crisis, I shut down. Was I not good enough for MDT at BYU? Did I offend someone? Was I not worthy enough to go there? Well, needless to say I let that COMPLETELY ruin my day. I went to my performance of Hairspray and came home. I walked in to my room after hugging my mother, closed the door and said outloud, "What do I do now?" Then I hit the floor in tears, AND PRAYED. This was probably the single longest prayer of my life. I asked for comfort and understanding. I felt as if my whole world was coming down at once and I could do nothing about it. I prayed for my Mom, my Dad, Grandma, sisters, best friends, the world; but the funny thing about it was is that the whole time during that prayer I expected that when I said "Amen" that it would all go away.
Do you think it did?
Nope.
I still felt like crap. So like always I pulled out my gospel library ap on my phone and I read the single verse scripture that was the first scripture I read after I got home from YASE. After reading that single verse I kept reading.... and reading... and reading and again the whole time I expected that when I put down the phone and closed my eyes that it would all go away.
Do you think it did?
Nope.
So for a moment I turned out the lights, turned off the phone and T.V and just sat there.
I thought about BYU and Young Ambassadors.
I thought about MDT.
I thought about my Father.
I thought about how much my Mother loves me and how much she must have been disappointed in me for not making MDT.
I thought about my grandma, and if she even cares about me still enough to watch over me.
I thought about how much I MISS and LOVE my best friends Austin, Lisha and Kelcee.
I thought about the Gospel and how it has blessed my life.
I thought about sin and how it hurts my life.
But most importantly, I thought about me.
Sound conceeded right?
So often we live our life's for other people. I am the number one offender of this. SO in all that hustle and bustle of running an errond for someone or helping them out, I miss out on me. This is self destructive habit number 356 for me.
So in that moment of thought about me, I bowed my head and prayed for an answer. I didn't have a question though. If there was one I think it must have been something like this.
"Father, what have I done that makes ME proud?"
In that instant I got my answer. I looked at my scriptures and I looked at the pictures around my room of close friends and family. Then I thought of how far I have come since sophomore year. Then another thought came to mind and it prompted me to look online to see if Desseret News had posted the Final List for Sterling Scholar over Speech and Drama which I had been interview and auditioned for.
My heart raced as I typed in the search for the website. Well the list was up... as I scrolled down I got to my catagory and sure enough, there I was! THERE! Right in front of me in black and white was what made ME proud! ALL AROUND ME in living color was what made me proud and that night I went to bed a proud individual.
This proud individual knows this is true in his life:
I have an amazing mother who will always be my rock.
My Grandma will always support me and be proud.
My sister, Samantha, is getting married to an amazing man and they both are shining examples of what I want to be like when I am older.
My sister, Cassie, shows me dailey what it means to be strong.
My sister, McKenzie, keeps me grounded and reminds me how important I am to her.
My best friend, Austin, will ALWAYS be there for me through thick and thin!
My best friend, Lisha, will always show me what it means to stand up for what she believes is right.
My best friend, Kelcee, can always make me happy.
The Gospel brings joy, happiness, peace and comfort to my life and the church is true.
Theatre is what I love to do, and no body can take that away from me.
and finally, I am strong.
Till next time,
Tay
What is it that keeps ME moving forward?
Really?
I had a really rough night last week when I received an email from the MDT program at BYU. This program is awesome. It is the Musical Dance Theatre program and it kicks trash. In the email it simply stated that "We are not able to offer you a position in our MDT program at this time." ...... Sucks, yes I know this. I litterally was IN SHOCK. I had no idea what I was doing. So, like in anytime of crisis, I shut down. Was I not good enough for MDT at BYU? Did I offend someone? Was I not worthy enough to go there? Well, needless to say I let that COMPLETELY ruin my day. I went to my performance of Hairspray and came home. I walked in to my room after hugging my mother, closed the door and said outloud, "What do I do now?" Then I hit the floor in tears, AND PRAYED. This was probably the single longest prayer of my life. I asked for comfort and understanding. I felt as if my whole world was coming down at once and I could do nothing about it. I prayed for my Mom, my Dad, Grandma, sisters, best friends, the world; but the funny thing about it was is that the whole time during that prayer I expected that when I said "Amen" that it would all go away.
Do you think it did?
Nope.
I still felt like crap. So like always I pulled out my gospel library ap on my phone and I read the single verse scripture that was the first scripture I read after I got home from YASE. After reading that single verse I kept reading.... and reading... and reading and again the whole time I expected that when I put down the phone and closed my eyes that it would all go away.
Do you think it did?
Nope.
So for a moment I turned out the lights, turned off the phone and T.V and just sat there.
I thought about BYU and Young Ambassadors.
I thought about MDT.
I thought about my Father.
I thought about how much my Mother loves me and how much she must have been disappointed in me for not making MDT.
I thought about my grandma, and if she even cares about me still enough to watch over me.
I thought about how much I MISS and LOVE my best friends Austin, Lisha and Kelcee.
I thought about the Gospel and how it has blessed my life.
I thought about sin and how it hurts my life.
But most importantly, I thought about me.
Sound conceeded right?
So often we live our life's for other people. I am the number one offender of this. SO in all that hustle and bustle of running an errond for someone or helping them out, I miss out on me. This is self destructive habit number 356 for me.
So in that moment of thought about me, I bowed my head and prayed for an answer. I didn't have a question though. If there was one I think it must have been something like this.
"Father, what have I done that makes ME proud?"
In that instant I got my answer. I looked at my scriptures and I looked at the pictures around my room of close friends and family. Then I thought of how far I have come since sophomore year. Then another thought came to mind and it prompted me to look online to see if Desseret News had posted the Final List for Sterling Scholar over Speech and Drama which I had been interview and auditioned for.
My heart raced as I typed in the search for the website. Well the list was up... as I scrolled down I got to my catagory and sure enough, there I was! THERE! Right in front of me in black and white was what made ME proud! ALL AROUND ME in living color was what made me proud and that night I went to bed a proud individual.
This proud individual knows this is true in his life:
I have an amazing mother who will always be my rock.
My Grandma will always support me and be proud.
My sister, Samantha, is getting married to an amazing man and they both are shining examples of what I want to be like when I am older.
My sister, Cassie, shows me dailey what it means to be strong.
My sister, McKenzie, keeps me grounded and reminds me how important I am to her.
My best friend, Austin, will ALWAYS be there for me through thick and thin!
My best friend, Lisha, will always show me what it means to stand up for what she believes is right.
My best friend, Kelcee, can always make me happy.
The Gospel brings joy, happiness, peace and comfort to my life and the church is true.
Theatre is what I love to do, and no body can take that away from me.
and finally, I am strong.
Till next time,
Tay
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
LIFE
Why do we go through life day to day to day and expect it to be more exciting tomorrow? Don't we create our own path? Don't we CHOOSE to wake up every morning and go to school or work?
An amazing friend and role model of mine told me recently that "Life is about the process, not the immediate product." Before she said this I had been really upset. I was blaming my personal problems on other people and demanding an immediate gratification for the activities which I was participating in. Wouldn't that be nice? If I could just perform a show without a minute of practice, would I do that? I think not. So why at that time did I just want to give up all my hard work and be done with it all?
I have been working my butt of this year. I have spent the majority of my day making myself a better person, actor, friend, son, and brother. However hard that may be I have been persistent and consistent, which I think is the most important thing when striving to achieve a goal.
After my good friend said this to me, it really got me thinking. I could end up in 10 years exactly where I want to be, but if I lie, cheat and steal to get there is that okay? NO! At times it may seem like a goal or place is so far away from what you want and you may think "I just want it now!" Well until you learn that it's about "the process, not the immediate product," you will never be satisfied with the place you are in life.
I just celebrated my 18Th birthday and I learned a very big life lesson. I woke up and went to breakfast, like my family does for every birthday celebration, and I came home and continued on with my day like any other day. It was just like any other day... The whole day I was so upset. I was angry that my best friends couldn't be with me, my mom and grandma had to work, and my sisters were doing their own thing. WAIT! The world doesn't stop for me? That was a hard lesson I feel echoed through my heart and soul. So I got mad at all of the people trying to make me happy on my birthday and threw myself a pity party. Honesty is best right? Well I was not being honest with myself at the time. I was a mess. I miss my grandma. More than any other birthday yet. I couldn't understand why I felt so alone. IT WAS MY OWN FAULT! I was avoiding friends, family and my emotions. Once I made the conscious decision to be happy the day was 3/4 the was over and I was in absolute bliss for the rest of the night!
Yes, it is stupid of me to have wasted that much of a day. After all my feelings of loneliness had subsided I went and performed my show and was so excited to be with my family for dinner after the show. I was ready to go and so I walked in the little theatre to grab my stuff and BAM! The curtain opens and there stood all my loving friends and family shouting surprise and singing Happy Birthday. I WAS SO SURPRISED! I was so happy in that instant of surprise and shock. We spent that night laughing and spending time together and it truly was amazing.
If I could express my love and gratitude for my mom, grandma, sisters, Austin, Kelcee, and productions class; I would. They mean the world to me. I can't believe how blessed I am.
As graduation approaches, I get more and more scared for furthering my education. COllEGE IS SCARY! How do I make my decision? I have an idea of the place I feel I belong to, but what happens when the place I feel I belong to tells me I DON'T BELONG THERE? How can I handle that? I just have to remember..
"Life is about the process, NOT the immediate product"
An amazing friend and role model of mine told me recently that "Life is about the process, not the immediate product." Before she said this I had been really upset. I was blaming my personal problems on other people and demanding an immediate gratification for the activities which I was participating in. Wouldn't that be nice? If I could just perform a show without a minute of practice, would I do that? I think not. So why at that time did I just want to give up all my hard work and be done with it all?
I have been working my butt of this year. I have spent the majority of my day making myself a better person, actor, friend, son, and brother. However hard that may be I have been persistent and consistent, which I think is the most important thing when striving to achieve a goal.
After my good friend said this to me, it really got me thinking. I could end up in 10 years exactly where I want to be, but if I lie, cheat and steal to get there is that okay? NO! At times it may seem like a goal or place is so far away from what you want and you may think "I just want it now!" Well until you learn that it's about "the process, not the immediate product," you will never be satisfied with the place you are in life.
I just celebrated my 18Th birthday and I learned a very big life lesson. I woke up and went to breakfast, like my family does for every birthday celebration, and I came home and continued on with my day like any other day. It was just like any other day... The whole day I was so upset. I was angry that my best friends couldn't be with me, my mom and grandma had to work, and my sisters were doing their own thing. WAIT! The world doesn't stop for me? That was a hard lesson I feel echoed through my heart and soul. So I got mad at all of the people trying to make me happy on my birthday and threw myself a pity party. Honesty is best right? Well I was not being honest with myself at the time. I was a mess. I miss my grandma. More than any other birthday yet. I couldn't understand why I felt so alone. IT WAS MY OWN FAULT! I was avoiding friends, family and my emotions. Once I made the conscious decision to be happy the day was 3/4 the was over and I was in absolute bliss for the rest of the night!
Yes, it is stupid of me to have wasted that much of a day. After all my feelings of loneliness had subsided I went and performed my show and was so excited to be with my family for dinner after the show. I was ready to go and so I walked in the little theatre to grab my stuff and BAM! The curtain opens and there stood all my loving friends and family shouting surprise and singing Happy Birthday. I WAS SO SURPRISED! I was so happy in that instant of surprise and shock. We spent that night laughing and spending time together and it truly was amazing.
If I could express my love and gratitude for my mom, grandma, sisters, Austin, Kelcee, and productions class; I would. They mean the world to me. I can't believe how blessed I am.
As graduation approaches, I get more and more scared for furthering my education. COllEGE IS SCARY! How do I make my decision? I have an idea of the place I feel I belong to, but what happens when the place I feel I belong to tells me I DON'T BELONG THERE? How can I handle that? I just have to remember..
"Life is about the process, NOT the immediate product"
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Persistence
There really is something to be said about persistence.
Life has been a maze lately. I entered this labyrinth by choice and ever since I took the first steps into this place I knew the troubles that would ensue.
Fights.
Laughs.
Struggles.
Loves.
I get so caught up in life.
LIFE.
I love my family, friends, and everything else that comes along in this world.
It is SO HARD trying to find the balance though.
I said some words the other day that I never thought I would ever say.
I HATE THEATRE.
I am sorry but WHAT THE HECK! I got so involved in theatre that I forgot why I even do it! How sad is that. Some of you may think "Well if you do theatre for a living you will have to be that involved." I think not. I let it overtake my life to the point that I forgot about family. Ignored friends that didn't deserve to be treated that way, and COMPLETELY deleted my standards from life.
How do you find a healthy balance?
How do you maintain your passion but retain your sanity?
I have been really lonely lately. I have supporting family and loving friends. What more can I ask for?
It is what it is, is what it is. Right? I am almost 18. I feel like I have nothing in my life that I can be like really proud of, you know? I know that one day I will meet the girl of my dreams and get married and have kids and be happy but what about now?
I just want something normal? Right? I want to do theatre for the rest of my life. I want to one day teach and share my talent with anyone and everyone who will let me.
How do I do that though? I am starting to blabber so I am off.
Until next time.
-tay
Persist. Remember. Persist.
Keep Moving Forward.
Life has been a maze lately. I entered this labyrinth by choice and ever since I took the first steps into this place I knew the troubles that would ensue.
Fights.
Laughs.
Struggles.
Loves.
I get so caught up in life.
LIFE.
I love my family, friends, and everything else that comes along in this world.
It is SO HARD trying to find the balance though.
I said some words the other day that I never thought I would ever say.
I HATE THEATRE.
I am sorry but WHAT THE HECK! I got so involved in theatre that I forgot why I even do it! How sad is that. Some of you may think "Well if you do theatre for a living you will have to be that involved." I think not. I let it overtake my life to the point that I forgot about family. Ignored friends that didn't deserve to be treated that way, and COMPLETELY deleted my standards from life.
How do you find a healthy balance?
How do you maintain your passion but retain your sanity?
I have been really lonely lately. I have supporting family and loving friends. What more can I ask for?
It is what it is, is what it is. Right? I am almost 18. I feel like I have nothing in my life that I can be like really proud of, you know? I know that one day I will meet the girl of my dreams and get married and have kids and be happy but what about now?
I just want something normal? Right? I want to do theatre for the rest of my life. I want to one day teach and share my talent with anyone and everyone who will let me.
How do I do that though? I am starting to blabber so I am off.
Until next time.
-tay
Persist. Remember. Persist.
Keep Moving Forward.
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