I just wanna be loved. I want to be the guy some great girl goes to for everything. I have amazing friends.
Austin Hull
Kelcee Toyn
Sean Bishop
Shelby Andersen
and so many more.
Thoughts are spewing out right now. I love my friends. They help get me through everything. They are helping me get through this.
I love my religion. I love my family.
I believe 12934% in my religion. I honestly do. I have had experiences that make me cry just thinking about them. How come there are people out there who want nothing more than to destroy my religion?
WARNING>> Sensitive subject about to be talked about.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints and I do NOT think that being gay is a trial.
This is my blog and therefor I will say what I want. If you don't like it; stop reading. Here's my story.
About eight months ago I was extremely "active" (I hate that word in context with the church)in my church. I was on the road to getting a temple recommend and I truly wanted to serve a full-time LDS mission.
Just to make clear with everyone reading I am not gay. I am naive and a bit socially awkward in certain situations but I truly am a very intellectual human being. One night I came home after talking about this socially sensitive subject with a close friend. I think this moment was the first time I look at this subject seriously. I mean my best friend from High School came out and I interacted with a couple "gays" in classes, but never really did I care really.
My life is theatre in all its' entirety. Theatre, as most of us know, is full of all types of people but is known for having the majority of these people being gay. Up until eight months ago this fact really hadn't hit me in the face.
Well it did on this night. My world of theatre and my life in my religion didn't agree with each other. How come?
I went up to my bedroom at home and I just sat on my floor and cried. Soon this crying turned into a full on anxiety attack and I physically stopped breathing. I called my beautiful mother and she took me to the doctors, where I received oxygen and some anxiety medication. My oldest sister Sam asked me what is wrong and I finally just said "I don't see how a God who is so loving is going to send people to hell for being gay."
REMEMBER>> You are free to stop reading at any time..
My sister Sam then brought up my Grandma Sandy who had passed away. She asked if I thought my grandma would think the same as I did and I knew she wouldn't. One thing I always remembered, in fact, was that she accepted everyone. And so in that moment I made a decision to always accept and love everyone.
It started to become harder and harder to attend church. I felt (and still kinda do) jaded and hurt being rejected from Young Ambassadors, MDT, Theatre Major, and the University entirely at BYU. Soon I decided to not go on a mission and instead focus entirely on school.
Here I am now. I went to church last Sunday for the first time since that day. I felt so much peace and love. I plan on auditioning for YA again. I plan on reevaluating a Mission when I feel I am READY and WANTING to go again... This is my time to focus on me and me alone. Doing the things that make me happy, being with the friends that make me happy and continuing to accept and love everyone who comes around WHILE making the amazing church I belong to a priority. I know I can do this.
I do not claim to know everything in my religion, but I do know that I can find balance. One day my two worlds can live in Harmony.. I do have faith in that. I have faith that I will find the woman of my dreams. I have faith in my family. I have faith in my friends. But most importantly, I have faith in me.
Step one. tell myself I am a totally lovable person EVERY Day.
Step two. Put myself out there and find opportunities to find someone. They will come along.
