confusion

I try really hard to pretend like I always have it together..

Examples of this range from top of my graduating class or a fake smile to people that never really liked me.

I am trying to come to a happy medium of who I am when it comes to other people. I laugh a lot and love life don't get me wrong but sometimes I just wonder, "Why the hell am I here?"
I know in all surety that The Church (LDS) is the true church. I know that my family loves me. I know I have great friends. I know that Theatre is what I am best at. I know that I am happy. and finally I know that I have a purpose.

What is that PURPOSE though?

I watch my older sister Samantha and her husband, Brandon, and I look up to them so much. Sure they have silly arguments where one of them is clearly wrong but won't admit it. But all in all I feel that both of them have it pretty much together. My sister is going into one of the best Master's programs in Utah and Brandon is only in his 20's and already has a career that most people would envy AND he is going to school too!

What am I doing is what I asked myself today.

My mom and I were driving the other day and she really got on my case. I was freaking annoyed needless to say. I couldn't understand why she was telling me that I was not doing the right things in life and making the wrong things in my life a priority when, in everyone else's eyes, I have been a very successful teen with an extremely bright future. She basically said that I needed to have a girlfriend or someone to love me and for me to love them back. Well I blew this off for a long time until yesterday in church. I went to church for the first time in a long time due to my work schedule and in all honesty a lack of desire to attend church. During Sunday School the lesson was about LOVE! Of all things LOVE! (I think this was The Lords way of telling me my mother was right all along.) Now, while the teacher was having a hard time getting to his point THE WHOLE LESSON I think I connected the dots pretty well... (I am good at doing that sometimes.)

Love is what we all need.
Period.
My mom was trying to tell me that I let my duties at home, my job, and my love for Theatre overpower what EVERYONE needs. Even the invincible Taylor Knuth.
I don't need someone to tell me how great I am and how much they love me.. but I do need someone to need me.. and if there was one thing that I can say I regret about high school, it's that I never had that and when I came close to getting it

I ran away.

So to all the girls out there that I dated or liked... (that of which I can count on one hand.)
I am sorry. I know that a silly blog will never suffice for my stupid mistakes I made or the douche bag things I said. But I really did and still DO care deeply about you.

Hopefully one day I can find a girl who needs me. I look at my older sister and her husband and I want that so bad.
Love IS what we all need.
Till next time
- Tay